Over the next few years, I continued to make advancements with my career and eventually moved on to corporate and private business environments.  I was very good at compartmentalizing my life to handle my responsibilities and display an overall sense of “togetherness” despite the constant chaos happening around me.  I partied a lot and experimented with a few drugs, though alcohol and cigarettes became my substances of choice that I ultimately held onto for years.  I participated in a fair share of other risky behavior and found myself in a pattern of toxic, sometimes abusive, relationships with men.

 

My brother had a child in March of 2006 with a woman who also suffered from drug addiction and was perpetually involved in criminal activity.  He was named after my brother and became the light of my family’s lives.  On October 29, 2008, my brother passed away from a heroin overdose at the age of 28 leaving his 2 ½ year old son behind.  A year later, my nephew’s birth mother fell upon drug relapse and incarceration once again and during that time I filed for emergency custody and was granted full custody in 2010.  I have been raising him ever since.

 

The next 5 years were tough, as myself and my parents continued to grieve the loss of my brother while navigating plenty of life obstacles and detrimental events along the way.  The parental responsibility tending to my nephew provided me with a sense of grounding that I desperately needed at the time.  My parents were both present in their own way at this time, especially my mother, who absolutely adored her only grandchild.  I continued to rely on alcohol, cigarettes and food as coping mechanisms to manage my stress, anxiety and grief.

 

In 2015, I met my husband and we had an instant connection, bonding over our life stories and commonalities.  He was a recovering alcoholic, one year sober, and had two children, a daughter from a previous relationship and a son from a previous marriage.  His daughter was the same age as my nephew and his son was almost 3 years old and had been diagnosed with cerebral palsy about 6 months after we started dating.  My husband’s ex-wife and the birth mother of his son also struggled with substance abuse and had not been present but a few months here and there during his infant and toddler years.  She moved out of state shortly before I came into their lives, lost her battle with opioid addiction a few years later and is now deceased.

 

My husband and I fell deep in love and there was no doubt in my mind that we were soulmates.  We weathered many storms together during our first few years as a couple and our bond was undeniably strong.  He proposed to me in April of 2017 and we were married 13 months later on May 19, 2018, one of the most joyous days of my life!

 

I found out I was pregnant in March of 2019.  I was ecstatic seeing as I had been longing my entire life to be a mother and experience the whole motherhood thing in its entirety.  On April 13, 2019, I received a call that would mark the commencement of a long series of unfathomable, traumatic events that began to unfold in my life.  After several health scares with strokes and heart issues over a few years’ time, my father had a heart attack while working on a jobsite and his life here on earth ended that day at the age of 67.  I was devastated and left with a tremendous amount of stress and responsibility in dealing with the aftermath of his affairs, all the while holding down a full-time career and planning for my bundle of joy on the way.  Looking back, I handled things surprisingly well and had an enjoyable and smooth pregnancy, all things considered.  I had quit smoking cold turkey the day I found out I was pregnant and the absence of alcohol and extra attention to my diet surely helped me emotionally and mentally since I was forced to feel all my feelings instead of masking them with my usual coping mechanisms during that time.

 

My son was born on November 9, 2019.  We were told at the hospital before being discharged that the pediatrician onsite detected a heart murmur, but that these holes in the heart were fairly common and typically close on their own within a few months.  We were instructed to make a follow-up appointment with a cardiologist in 3 months to rule out any further issues.  I thoroughly enjoyed my 12-week maternity leave and had just returned to work when we took our son to his first cardiology appointment.  He was diagnosed with multiple VSDs (ventricular septal defect) and had two moderate to large size holes in his heart.  He was struggling to gain proper weight and eat sufficiently due to fatigue since his heart was working so hard because of his condition.  This was basically causing heart failure and we were told that heart surgery would most likely have to happen soon.

 

Due to panic, fear and the unknowingness of the circumstances, I abruptly left my corporate banking career in February of 2020 to tend to my son around the clock.  He had open heart surgery to repair his VSDs on March 20, 2020 and the recovery process continued at home over the next few months.  Today he is happy, healthy and thriving!

 

During my son’s hospital stay in March of 2020, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer after already suffering from beginning stages of COPD since 2009.  She had surgery to remove a mast from her lung and proceeded with chemotherapy and radiation treatments.  Unfortunately, she did not handle the treatments well and her overall health declined quickly.  Walking away from my career to care for my son fell in line with being able to care for my mother through her illness and treatments.  My husband and I moved her into our home and she spent the last several months of her days surrounded by those that loved her most up until her passing on December 10, 2020 at the age of 71.  My heart hurt so deeply watching her suffer and I was relieved that she was no longer in pain, though my entire being and spirit was crushed. 

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I had picked up cigarettes again and was relying heavily on alcohol and food as a crutch during the time that my mother was staying at our home and through the peak of the Covid-19 pandemic.  Two months before my mother’s passing, I knew that I was drowning emotionally and mentally and decided to begin speaking to a therapist. I had made healing efforts in the past, but this marked the beginning of a deeper, more intentional journey that was rooted in true conscious commitment. I had also crossed paths with a spiritual coach and reiki healer/master shortly before this and through the guidance and support from the two of them, along with much deliberate effort from within, I slowly but surely began to feel myself emerge from the darkness.  I found that I had been suppressing a ton of childhood trauma and emotions. As I focused on peeling back those layers and facing my own shadow, I was able to identify, release and integrate my experiences.  I was putting myself and my needs at the forefront for the first time in my life and the positive ripple effects that poured onto my husband and children were undeniable.  My husband embarked on his own healing journey as well, coming to the realization that his sobriety from alcohol was just one piece of the puzzle.  Our relationship has since blossomed even further and we are in a much more harmonious space together due to our shared passion and devotion to healing our inner wounds, finding self-love and establishing boundaries in our lives.